White Flag
by janedoe88
Summary: Set nearly four years into the future. Derek has moved back to New York with Addison leaving behind Meredith with a lot on her hands. Now he's back. This was started during season 2 so the story line is not consistent with the current season.
1. my life

**I know I haven't updated my other story the past will always haunt the present for ages but I've been so busy with school. Someone suggested I should do another MerDer fic and because I love them so much I am. This will also most likely motivate me to continue soon with my other story. Here we go people.**

My mother used to say you have to be in it to win it. Well now I wasn't in it, he chose her, not me and now I was left to raise his daughter. It's been three years since I've seen Derek. I still remember the day he left to try and salvage what was left of his marriage. He told me it was for the best for both of us. He said we'd keep in touch, we didn't, and that's mainly my fault. When I found out I was pregnant it felt like the word was closing in around me. I was so afraid and the sad thing was I didn't know if it was his or George's. I will always regret that night with George. When I told him I was pregnant he couldn't have been a better guy. Sure at first he looked as scared as I felt but initially he got over the shock and has been nothing but supportive to me ever since. He moved back in with Izzie and me to help with the baby. We found out it was Derek's but I never told him. I couldn't do that to him just as he was trying to move on with his life, as I was. Eight months later Emma came into the world. She is the most important thing in the world to me, without her I'd still be sitting in a bar trying to drown my sorrows in tequila and one night stands. She's the most beautiful little girl; she has her father's unmanageable thick locks and his piercing blue eyes. Every time I look into her eyes I get goose bumps. Izzie says she has my golden blonde hair, lips and stubbornness. She's everything to me and without her I'd be lost. Sometimes I wish Derek knew about her but that wouldn't be fair to him. To spring a three year old on him would be too hard, it would also be too hard for me.

xXx

It was just like any other morning today and I thought it was going to be just like any other day. I was in a mad rush trying to get Emma and me ready for day care and work. She was refusing to eat her cereal again and I was running late, again. "Please baby, mummy's in a hurry." I pleaded as Emma was on the verge of another temper tantrum.

"No!" she yelled throwing her spoon on the floor. I leant down to pick it up and at that very moment Emma sent her cereal bowl crashing on top of me.

"Emma!" I looked at the goo that was Emma's breakfast all over my shirt and tried to clean it off with a cloth as Emma sat in her high chair laughing at her silly, yucky mummy.

"You can't really blame her, I wouldn't eat it either." George said as he entered the kitchen ready for work.

"A little help here." I said gesturing to my shirt.

"Alright, lets get you ready for day care Em." He said lifting Emma out of her chair.

"Thankyou, George." I smiled before rushing up the stairs to change my top. When I came back down Emma was in the lounge room with her bag packed eating a chocolate cupcake. "What do you think you're doing?" I asked hands on hips shaking my head in disbelief.

"Eating an Aunty Izzie cupcake." She smiled with chocolate smeared all over her face.

"Are you now? Well guess who's in trouble." I smiled cleaning her face.

She looked worried so she came up with her ever-popular scapegoat, "Uncy George?"

"Close." I laughed "Izzie where are you?" I called to the house.

"I'm here Mer." Izzie answered popping her head around the kitchen door eating one of her cupcakes.

"You know Emma shouldn't be having a cupcake for breakfast." I said with a frown.

"Sorry Mer, but you have to admit it's better than the goo you try to feed her." She smiled.

"So I've heard." I muttered picking up Emma's bag and leading her to the door. "I'll see you guys at work." I called behind me heading out to the car. "Okay sweetie, let's hop in the car with mummy." I opened the back door and put her bag in next to her car seat before helping her in. "What do we do now?"

"Click." She said grabbing the seatbelt.

"That's a good girl." I buckled her in and pecked her on the forehead before hopping into the front. As we pulled out my phone started to ring. I checked the caller ID and saw it was Cristina calling.

"Hey." I smiled into the phone.

"Hey Mer, how's my favourite girl?"

"Just driving Em to day care." I teased.

"Very funny. Listen can you come straight into work today after you've dropped Em off? They need a Neuro consult on a case."

"Sure, I'll be there in ten." I said before closing my phone. "So," I looked at Emma in the rear view mirror.

"What will you do today?"

"Finger painting!" she yelled with excitement.

"Wow, will you bring mummy home a beautiful picture?"

"Yes."

"I can't wait." I smiled pulling up to the centre. I loaded Emma out of the car and carried her bag to her cubby space. I turned around to give her a hug and ran into a tall attractive man. "Hey Tom." I smiled into his brown eyes.

"Hello Meredith." He smiled back. "How's Emma?"

"A handful like always. How's Jess?"

"Same, it's hard being a single parent huh?"

"Tell me about it."

"Maybe we should catch up some time, complain about the troubles of parenthood?"

"Are you asking me out on a date?" I asked a hint of a smile playing at my lips.

"Is that okay?"

"Maybe." I smiled. Beep beep. "Oh shoot, that'll be work. Maybe we can talk about this later?" I asked hopefully.

"Sure."

I walked out checking my pager. It was a 911 so I quickly got in my car and headed towards Seattle Grace.

**What do you think? Please, please, please review! I love your feedback. Chow for now.**


	2. all you want

I pulled up in the hospital's parking lot and rushed inside. I found Cristina at the nurse's station. "What happened? Is everything okay?" I asked short of breath.

"Don't worry I just paged 911 so you'd actually get in here, we have a critical patient. What took you so long?" she asked hands on hips.

"Sorry I was just dropping Emma off and I ran into Tom. You remember Tom? Anyway, we got to talking and-"

"Don't to need to hear your life story, Mer."

"I didn't think it was possible but marriage has made you even more bitter." I laughed.

"Listen we have a critical case that is a total mystery to everyone." She went on ignoring my comment, probably for the best, "They asked if you could come in and look at it."

"Sure. What's the patient's name?" I asked following Cristina to the room.

"Grace Jacobs, twenty three, car accident, apparently passed out at the wheel." Cristina handed me the chart. I looked through it and then at the young woman lying unconscious on the bed before I began checking her vitals.

"Has she had a CT?" I asked.

"No, we we're waiting for you."

"Okay, let's roll."

"What'd you find out?" Cristina asked me as I met up with her, Izzie, George and Alex in the cafeteria.

"It looks like a case of Neurologic Orthostatic Hypotension. She's stable for now but she will have to be operated on."

"When will you do the surgery?" George asked.

"I won't." I said shortly.

"Why not?" Cristina snapped putting her fork down.

"I've never done something like this before."

"But you're the best we have." Cristina argued.

"Well, that's obviously not enough. Richard wants to bring in someone from New York." I then acted very interested in my pasta salad.

"New York?" Izzie spat choking on her coffee.

"He could mean anyone. I mean we don't even know if he lives there anymore." I reassured myself more than anyone.

"Mer's right, they've probably moved to the Amazon or something." Izzie tried.

"Iz, not working." Alex said. She playfully hit him.

"Anyway, I've got to go pick up Em. I'll see you guys later." I said heading to the resident's locker room. On the way there I bumped into Burke, he was obviously waiting for Cristina. "Hi Preston." I smiled opening my locker. "Are you still on for tonight?"

"Wouldn't miss it. I'm looking forward to playing Snap with Emma." He smiled.

"I'm sure she is too." I laughed. "I have to go pick up a last few minute things. I'll see you tonight."

xXx

Emma and I were cruising down the supermarket's aisles. Me pushing the trolley and Emma sitting in it. She was eating a container of grapes as I was buying last minute supplies for dinner.

"Mummy?" she said through a mouthful.

"Yeah babe?" I answered absentmindedly.

"What's a daddy?" I froze in the middle of the aisle staring at her. I was not expecting this question, ever. I was not sure how to explain this to a three year old.

"Uh, well sweetie, you know how I'm your mummy?" she nodded smiling. "Well some people have daddies too."

"Do I have a daddy?"

"Kind of." I really didn't want to explain this to her in the middle of a supermarket so I changed the subject. "What do you want for dessert baby?"


	3. hunter

**Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy – if I did I'd be shacked up with mcdreamy!**

Izzie and I were in the kitchen preparing the dinner for tonight. It would be us, George, Emma, Alex and Burke and Cristina. "She asked me." I said taking the gravy from the oven.

"Who? Asked you what?" Izzie asked clearly confused.

"Emma. She asked me if she had a daddy." Smash. Izzie dropped one of the plates she was getting out. I lent down to help her clean it up.

"I'm so sorry, Mer."

"That's okay, we can clean this up. No harm done."

"Yeah… At three years old?" she asked incredulously.

I laughed, "Yeah."

"I always knew she was an amazing kid, but really?" I couldn't help but laugh at Izzie's reaction, it was better than the other thoughts that were going through my mind.

"I guess that's what happens when you have neurosurgeons as parents." I joked.

"What did you tell her?"

"She's three, what am I supposed to tell her?" standing up and putting the shattered ceramic plate in the bin.

"Did you tell her _anything?_" she asked, curious.

"I told her…'kind of'." Boy it didn't sound right saying it again.

"No offence, but you're going to have to come up with a better strategy when she's older."

"I know!" I said hitting her.

"I'm just saying." She smiled.

"What if he comes back?" I asked turning serious.

"You're going to have to start using names if you want me to follow, Mer."

"Derek. What if he comes back?"

"I, I really don't know babe. Just think, it's pretty unlikely, he has another life now. What's to make him come back?"

"Mummy." I turned around to see Emma in the doorway.

"Are you crying mummy?"

I quickly wiped the tears from face. "No baby, mummy's okay." I said picking her up.

"Aunty Crissy and Uncy Pressy are here."

"Uncle _Preston_." I laughed knowing how much Cristina teased Burke about Emma's nickname for him.

xXx

We'd finished dinner and George, Izzie, Emma and I were saying goodbye to Cristina and Burke. "We'll see you guys tomorrow. Say goodbye Emma." Burke leant down and picked her up pulling her into a hug. She left a soft, wet kiss on his nose and he started to tickle her, her hysterical giggles filled the house and I couldn't help but laugh with her. She always did that to me, whenever I was feeling down I'd see her smile and my whole face would light up. "Okay that's enough," I laughed, "she'll never go to bed if you hype her up like this." I took her from his arms and held her on my hip as Cristina kissed her goodbye and they headed home. "Did you have a good time tonight babe?"

"Yes! Uncy Pressy makes me laugh!" she giggled.

"He does, doesn't he?"

"I'll put her to bed if you want Mer." Izzie offered.

"That's okay, thanks." I carried her up the stairs and into her room. It was across the hallway right in front of mine. She likes to keep her door open and mine open so she can see me before she drifts off to sleep. I set her down on her bed and pulled the covers over her.

"Where's Lucy?" she asked for her favourite doll.

"I don't know. Where did you put her last, sweetie?" I asked looking around for her.

"I don't know." She said. Her bottom lip started to quiver and I knew the tears weren't far away.

"It's okay baby mummy will find her." I stroked her hair comfortingly.

"Look who was sleeping in my bed." I turned around to see George holding Lucy.

"Lucy!" Emma squealed clapping her hands and reaching out for her. "Thankyou Uncy Georgie." She said hugging him. He pecked her on the nose and left. I lent down and we rubbed our noses together like we did every night before I turned her lights off.

"Goodnight beautiful."

"Night mummy." She yawned now quite tired.

I heard the doorbell as I closed her door. "Don't worry, I'll get it." I called to George and Izzie knowing they'd already be getting ready for bed. I walked down the stairs and into the entrance room freezing as I saw who was on the other side of the door. He was definitely the last person I expected to see again.

**Remember guys review and you'll get more. Thanks to those who have reviewed so far!**


	4. who makes you feel

I found it impossible to breathe let alone put one foot in front of the other. There was the man I equally despised and loved standing outside my door. I admit I never fell out of love with Derek, although it hurt me so much to love him still, after all this time and everything that has happened. He was my first real love and the father of my child, that didn't just go away because he left me. Seeing him again evoked so many emotions in me it was hard to keep up with them. I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. I wanted to hug and kiss him but in the same way I wanted to hit him and cause him the same pain he caused me. With all these different feelings fighting each other inside me I don't know how I managed to open the door and face him. He stood there silent for a while and I watched his eyes longingly sweep over me. I ached to do the same but knew it wouldn't be right. Everywhere he looked with those beautiful eyes I see in my daughter everyday seemed to heat up like I was on fire. Finally he spoke.

"Meredith." He gasped. "I've, it's…it's been so long." He managed to choke out.

"It has, Derek." Was that it? Was that the first thing I had to say to the man I loved and hadn't seen in three years? God I was so stupid! "Derek, what are you doing here?"

"Richard asked me for a Neuro consult on a case. I didn't want you to find out at work tomorrow in front of the whole faculty so I came here, now."

"That's very considerate of you Derek, but it would've made no difference me finding out then than now. In fact it would've been less awkward if that's what you were hoping for."

"I did have an ulterior motive." He said and then he grinned and I felt like melting. God, how I missed his smile, it was one of the most attractive things about him. But I couldn't. I had to stay strong and keep my resolve. I wouldn't let him break me.

"Really?" I asked.

"Yes." He said _still_ smiling.

"Listen, it's getting late."

"It's eight thirty!" he laughed incredulously.

"That's late for a-surgeon." I practically yelled surgeon. Thankfully I'd realised I was about to say mother and quickly covered it up.

"Of course. You'd be a resident by now, wouldn't you?" it was more of a statement than a question giving me the impression he'd thought about it before which made me tingle all over.

"Yeah, I am." Good, short and sweet, Meredith, keep it short and sweet and maybe he'll get the hint I want him to go.

"No longer under the Nazi's control." He laughed. Oh I loved his laugh. I was going to have to get rid of him soon if I was going to restrain myself from doing something stupid, like jumping into his arms and leaving hot kisses all over his gorgeous face.

"I've got an early start tomorrow…"

"Oh, yeah, of course. I won't keep you any longer." He said finally getting the hint.

"Okay. I'll, see you tomorrow then?"

"Yeah, tomorrow."

I closed the door and watched as he walked to his car. When he drove off I slowly ascended the stairs and walked into Emma's room. I sat on the end of her bed watching her tiny chest rise and fall with each breath. Her whole world was about to change and she didn't even know it.


	5. sand in my shoes

**Hey guys. Sorry my last chapter took a while to update and that it was so short. I had troubles uploading it for a couple of days so yeah. Anywho I decided that throughout the story you're going to learn more and more about the characters and how they've changed – so I haven't told you everything yet. It is a MerDer fic but I love all the other characters so I want to give them some background too. So look out for surprises.**

I woke up to the sunlight streaming in through the window and found myself in Emma's bed. My arms were wrapped around Emma's tiny frame. I must've drifted off last night. I was still fully clothed. I felt her stir beneath me. "Hey baby." I smiled as she slowly opened her eyes.

"Mummy?" she asked groggily still half asleep.

"Yeah baby, its mummy." I smiled. I pulled back the covers and put my feet on the floor. I turned around and picked up Emma carrying her down to the kitchen. When we got there we found Izzie baking. "What are you doing? It's five in the morning."

"I could ask you two the same question. I have an early surgery, what's your excuse?"

"I didn't sleep well. And anyway, I have to get to the hospital early."

"You okay Mer? You look a little white."

"I'm fine. Just tired. Do you know what time George is heading in?" I asked, yawning.

"He's already there. He got called in to see a patient earlier this morning." Izzie answered, licking chocolate batter of her fingers.

"Really? I was hoping he could take Em to day care."

"Why don't you just take her to the one in the hospital?"

"You know how I feel about her being there, Iz."

"Well, it looks like it's your only choice right now."

"Do you think you could take her with you for me?" I asked hesitant, readjusting Emma on my hip.

"I'd be happy to, if you tell me what's going on first." She said crossing her arms across her chest.

"I'll tell you later." I said indicating Emma.

xXx

As I pulled into the hospital's parking lot I spied a silver convertible BMW. Derek's. I made a point to park on the other side of the lot, out of the BMW's line of sight. As I entered the resident's locker rooms I found Cristina sitting on one of the benches, her head in her hands. "Hey, you alright?"

"Huh? Oh, Mer, it's you." She said looking up.

"What's wrong?"

"I, I spoke to Burke this morning. He told me something that I know I should tell you but I just don't know _how_ to." She was playing with her curls, an obvious sign she was nervous.

"Derek's here. Don't worry, I already know." I said opening my locker.

"How…how do you know?"

"He dropped by last night." I said without emotion, pulling my scrubs out and putting my bag away.

"He what? Son of a-"

"Good morning Christina, Meredith." I turned to see Derek standing in the doorway.

"Okay, here are the ground rules, _McDreamy_." Cristina spat. "The only time you see Mer is during hospital times and only explicitly for work matters, that goes with speaking to her too and…"

"Cristina," I interrupted. "Not necessary." I felt my face burn and knew I was going red with embarrassment.

"I'll…I'll see you later." I said hinting her to leave.

"Okay, but if you do _anything_-"

"Cristina! I'll see you later." I said through clenched teeth.

"I'm going, I'm going!" she said making sure to jostle Derek as she pushed past him to leave.

"I'm sorry about that. You know how Cristina can be." I smiled nervously.

"Don't I ever." He chuckled. "So, following Cristina's rules of course, I wanted to know more about this patient of yours, Grace Jacobs."

"Of course, uh, I'll get you her chart."

"I've read the chart. I want to know what _you _think."

"It doesn't matter, I'm only a resident."

"Well it's a rung higher than last time I saw you." He smiled.

"Well, they're saying Parkinson's but I'm not so sure."

"What do you think it is?"

"Well, I told Richard-Dr. Webber that I think it's a case of Multiple System Atrophy. That's why he sent for a Neuro consult, but the other doctors won't have a word of it."

"MSA is commonly mistaken for Parkinson's. The symptoms are quite similar. You might have something Dr. Grey." He smiled. "Can you take me to her?"

"Sure, I'll just get changed." I said grabbing my scrubs.

"Of course, I'll just, uh, be outside, waiting." Seeing that I made him nervous made my heart beat increase intensely but also made my stomach drop to my knees.

After I changed into my scrubs and white coat I led Derek to room 4960 where Grace was. I was very aware of Derek behind me the whole way and I had to will myself not to look back at him. The problem was seeing him now, there's so much more about him that I can't help loving because I can see Emma in him. I had to take myself of this case before I cracked.

I stood back watching Derek go over Grace's chart with two other doctors. It was so strange how I found it sexy when he checked her vitals. I hadn't had sex in nearly four years, that's the only reason I had for it. Oh my god! I haven't had sex in nearly four years!

"Dr Grey? Is everything alright, Grey?" I hadn't realised Derek was talking to me until I noticed everyone in the room staring at me.

"Sorry Dr Shepherd. What did you sex-say!" oh my god, did I just say sex? To Derek? I felt a vibration at hip and soon came the beep of my pager.

"Saved by the pager." He grinned devilishly.

"How'd it go?" Cristina asked as Meredith joined her for lunch.

"You shouldn't have paged me."

"What you gonna do about it?" she smirked.

"You did save my butt, though."

"Arse, Meredith. The word is arse. This mother thing sure has made you boring."

"Shut up! I don't want him to hear the M word."

"Mummy!" I turned around to see Emma running towards me.

"Shit."

"That's more like it." laughed Cristina.

"We've got to get her out of here." I said quickly jumping up.

"Okay, okay. Why is she here anyway?" Cristina asked scooping her up as they rushed out of the cafeteria.

"Izzie took her to the day care here. What she's doing out of it is beyond me." I said frustration rising. "Where _is_ Izzie?"

"I'm right here." I turned around to see Izzie.

"I'm so sorry. She saw you and she just ran. I couldn't catch her in time."

"What is she doing out here?"

"I was walking past and I, I just really wanted to see her and I felt sorry for her all by herself. There were like two other kids there, and they were sleeping. She was lonely. So I thought I'd bring her to eat with us."

"Do you realise what you could've done to me?" I breathed pulling Emma into me.

"Obviously not because you were too busy to explain anything this morning." Izzie shot back.

"McDreamy's here." Cristina filled Izzie in.

"Derek!"

"Not in front of you-know-who." I hissed.

"Was that who was at the door last night?" Izzie asked.

"You were awake?"

"It was like eight thirty Mer."

"Why does no one think that's late? Never mind, I can't let him see her."

"Are you ever going to?" Izzie asked.

"…I don't know. Do you think I should?"

"Well, she is his daughter." Izzie offered.

"No way. He left, that's his problem. He has no right." Cristina shot.

"Maybe we can do this some other time guys, when we don't have company." I said nodding towards Emma. "You're shifts over, right Cris?"

"Yeah." She answered slowly. "Oh no. No, no, no. I can't. I won't. I can't." she stuttered catching on.

"Please, it'll just be a couple of hours."

"You know how bad I am with kids. That's why I never wanted any. I'd be a terrible mother."

"You'd be a great mum. Look, you can practice for it now. _Please._" I pleaded with the best imitation of Emma's puppy dog eyes I could muster.

"Fine." She gave in.

xXx

It was the end of my shift and I was ready to go home, lie on my bed, and die of exhaustion.

"Maybe we could catch up. Like tonight." I turned to see Derek leaning against the wall wearing a very seductive smile.

"I'm tired. I really…"

"Are you seeing someone? Is that why you're so hesitant to talk to me?" he asked.

How could he be so stupid? I hadn't seen him in freaking four years, the love of my life, and he thought I was hesitant because I was seeing someone. However, I do remember organising a date - no not a date, a lunch – with Tom tomorrow. But that had nothing to do with it. Should I tell him I might be seeing someone? Would it get him off my back?

"It's okay if you are. I am too." He smiled.

Addison, of course how could I forget?

"Her name's Rachel."

"R-Rachel? What about…?"

"We ended it a year ago."

"Really?"

"Yeah, it wasn't working; we didn't have the chemistry anymore. It turned back into the marriage it was just before she, well she…"

"Before Mark." It was obvious it still hurt him, which hurt me in a way too. "So, Rachel huh?" it was a stab in the heart. Why didn't he come back to me if he'd ended it with Addison? I know I wasn't thinking rationally and I knew there were a hundred reasons why he couldn't but it didn't stop me from feeling like I'd been hit by a truck.

"Yeah, she's uh, it's nothing serious. We both know that."

"I'm seeing a guy named Tom. It's pretty serious." I am and idiot. Why did I just say that?

"When do I get to meet him?"

"Never. I mean you probably won't because…well, because I think we should stay strictly professional."

"You won't come to the bar with me? Let me buy you a round of tequila?" he smiled.

"I don't drink."

"That's new." He laughed. "A sober Meredith. That's going to take some time getting used to."

"Yeah, well that's me. I have to go now. Pick up…some groceries." Shit I nearly let it slip.

"Do want a hand?"

"No! I mean, no, thankyou though." I hot footed it out of there as fast as I ever have. Talk about awkward.


	6. my lover's gone

It was ten a.m. and I was in the bathroom doing the last finishing touches on my makeup. Tom and I were meeting at ten thirty at a café near the day care centre. We'd drop Em and Jess and then start our date. Date, it seems such a strong word but apparently from what I told Derek last night, Tom and I are going steady. That deserved a mental slap in the head. How could I let something like that slip? Wait, there was nothing _to_ let slip because it's a complete lie! "You better come down." It was Izzie.

"What's wrong? Is it Em?"

"No, it's Derek."

"What?" I ran out of the bathroom and down the stairs. I slowed down three stairs from the bottom so he didn't see me running. "Hi." I said tucking my hair behind my ear.

"Hi." He smiled. "You look, great."

"Oh, thanks. I was just going out." I said nervously.

"Damn, I thought maybe you wanted to do something. I should've called first."

"That's okay, I'm just meeting…"

"Tom?" I saw something in his eyes when he said his name, but I wasn't sure what it was.

"Yeah. Maybe some other time?" Why? Why did you do that Meredith? You don't want to get involved with him again. It will be too hard when he leaves.

"I'm free tonight. You can come over and I'll cook dinner. I still have the trailer, didn't have time to sell the land." He grinned sheepishly.

"You know what? I'm busy tonight, but thanks anyway."

"Some other time."

"Some other time." I smiled.

"You look beautiful." Tom smiled as we took our seats.

"I wouldn't go that far." I smiled awkwardly.

"I would."

"This is just a lunch right? As friends?" I asked worried he'd considered it a 'date'.

"Oh, of course. Friends, yeah, sure. Boy I'm hungry." He changed the subject a little too quickly rubbing his stomach in an over exaggerated way. This was going to be a short 'date'.

xXx

I politely declined dinner tomorrow night and headed to Seattle Grace to attend in an eight hour surgery. I was dead on my feet by the time I entered the on call room. I grabbed a bunk and was ready to drift off into a peaceful sleep when I heard the door crash open. Izzie and Alex were in the middle of another screaming match.

"You have no idea what you're talking about!" Izzie shouted, trying to shut the door in his face.

"No Izzie, I do. I have seen this happen before and look how that ended, the stiff died."

"You did not…"

"Yeah, I did. You get too involved with your patients Izzie."

"It's better than getting involved with _you_!" she yelled, emotion drenching her words.

"Well at least I have a longer life span."

"Denny hasn't been gone two months and you're already comparing yourself to him! Tell me, does it make you feel good to think you're better than a dead guy! Does it _empower_ you!" Izzie screamed.

"I'm not like that." He yelled back. "All I'm saying is that you keep on setting yourself up for failure. For once, stop thinking about everyone else and think of yourself."

"Do not pretend you are thinking of me, that this is in my best interest." She hissed. She turned around and left Alex standing in the doorway defeated.

"Hey." I smiled uncomfortably, sitting up. Alex turned and grimaced rubbing his hand over his face.

"I didn't know anyone was here." he apologized.

"So, you brought up Denny hey?"

"She did." He said sitting down next to me. "I thought that, I thought we were, you know, doing the whole relationship thing again."

"The relationship thing isn't as simple as it seems." I said to myself more than Alex.

"You haven't told Derek."

"Nope."

"Will you ever?" he asked looking at me.

"You probably think I'm selfish and, you might be right, but I don't see it that way. I'm scared more than anything, scared for Emma, scared of being hurt again…scared of rejection." Tears softly and quickly fell down my face. Alex wiped them away gently with his thumbs turning my face to his.

"You know, if I had a daughter half as amazing as Emma, I'd want to know about it. But that's up to you to decide."

xXx

I kissed Emma goodnight and took the familiar journey to Derek's trailer. I pulled up and was both happy yet scared to see the lights on. I smiled looking around seeing that nothing had changed. Same trailer, same position. I walked up and knocked lightly on the door, my heart pounding in my chest. An attractive brunette opened the door.

"Hi." She smiled. "You must be Meredith. I'm Rachel, Derek's fiancé."


	7. i'm no angel

"Fiancé?" My whole world started spinning around me making it hard to stand. He did it again; he managed to lie to me all over again. Rachel extended her slim, manicured hand expecting me to shake it but I was in shock. "I…have to go." I turned around and stumbled my way to my car. I sat in front of the wheel gripping it until my fingers went white. I was too shocked to move.

"Are you okay?" I turned to see her staring in at me through the window. I nodded and put the car into reverse.

_pit-patter_

the raindrops keep fallin on my window pane

the city callin me

out

into the night

with promises of

pleasures and sweet delight

it's wrong

it's oh so wrong

but I want it

to be right...  


I was sitting in the car in front of Joe's. I knew I shouldn't go in, but I _really _felt like tequila. I was past drinking my sorrows away though, I had to think of my daughter… His daughter. The irony of it made me laugh and suddenly I burst into heart wrenching sobs. Maybe just one shot, what harm could it do? I sure as hell deserved it. I stepped out of the car and entered Joe's. I headed to the bar and ordered a shot from Joe.

"Are you sure Mer? I thought you'd given up." He asked concerned.

"Joe, I don't need a lecture, I need a drink."

"How about a mineral water?"

"Joe, just give me the shot." I growled in frustration.

"All right, but I'm only thinking of you Mer. And just one shot, okay?"

"I am thirty two years old, I'm allowed to drink whatever I goddamn want!" I bashed my fist on the polished wood top.

Six shots later and everything was starting to seem better, a little hazy, but better.

_you know you've got me walkin on the sidewalk_

talking, movin, lookin

stopping, barking like a dog

barking…

and all the raindrops keep on landing on my face like splinters

each one branding me

showing me who I am  


I was in the parking lot now but I forgot where I'd parked my car. Hell, I forgot I what my car even looked like. Everything was a blur to me as I stumbled between the cars. I remember Joe telling me he was calling Izzie to come get me. I remember him leaving to take the call and I remember grabbing the bottle of tequila from the bar as I left while he was in the back on the phone. I ducked behind a car as I saw Joe come out of the bar looking for me. I didn't feel like going home right now. I took another swig and couldn't figure out for the life of me why I gave up this amazing drink. I loved the way it burned as it slid down my throat and numbed my insides. I wanted to go somewhere but I had no car. I figured I'd just hitch a ride, what harm could it do? Now where have I heard that before? I made my way to the sidewalk, tequila bottle in my right hand and I raised my other hand trying to hail a car. I walked for what felt like forever but no one stopped for me. As I started to give up hope I heard a horn in the distance. I turned to see a car pull up beside me. The driver rolled the window down and leaned out.

"Meredith, what the hell do you think you're doing?"

"Derek?" I squinted towards the direction of the familiar voice. He was angry, I could see it in his eyes. "What brings you out here?" I slurred smiling at him.

"Get in!" he'd gotten out of the car and was now steering me towards the passenger side.

"Where are we going?"

"I'm taking you home. Izzie and George are scared to hell not knowing where you are. So was I." he spotted the tequila and grabbed it out of my hand. I watched him throw it into the dark and heard it smash. "I thought you'd given up drinking." He growled turning back.

"When in Rome." I shrugged.

"What the hell's that supposed to mean? You know what, it doesn't matter. We're going home." He lent over to buckle me up. I breathed in his familiar scent savoring it on my nose. I couldn't take it anymore, I needed him. I creeped my hands up under his shirt and placed them flat against his hard body. God, he felt good. I felt him shiver under my touch and pulled my hands out from his shirt, grabbed his head and brought his lips to mine. I kissed him hard tasting him with every part of my mouth. His hands came to my arms to pull me away but he started to kiss me back, pulling me hard against him. It was a long, passionate kiss that only broke when we had to come up for air. When we did Derek seemed to compose himself and take note of the situation. He put the car in drive and pulled back into the traffic.

_take me home to dry_

hang me out for a line and I'll tell you no lie

too much pressure

is sending me…

and the raindrops land on me…

can't you see? can't you see?

I'm going under…I'm going under…I'm going under and I can't turn round  


I woke up to someone playing with my hair. I opened one of my eyes to see Emma lying next to me. I felt like a jackhammer was working away at my brain and I swear I had had the strangest dream.

"Good morning." Oh my god, I knew that voice. I turned to see Derek sitting on the chair beside my bed. "You're _daughter_ wanted to see you."

**Hey I know this is a really random chapter but it just came to me as I wrote it. I was listening to the song Going Under by Rockers Hi-Fi and it kind of influenced it. I hope you like please tell me if you do because I'm not so sure about it. Constructive criticism also accepted (but please keep it nice lol :D)**


	8. take my hand

**Sorry it's taken me a while to update, school's been majorly busy. Explanations first; IT WASN'T A DREAM for those of you who think it was. Yes, Derek is really engaged, and yes that whole tequila thing happened. Sorry if I have confused you guys by putting in the mention of a dream – it was really just there because Meredith has changed for her daughter and didn't believe she had sank back into her old state. However, when she's Derek in her room she realizes it wasn't a dream. Hope that's all cleared up, now on with the story…**

Shit. This was not how it was supposed to happen. Anyway, after I found out about Rachel it wasn't going to happen. I was never going to tell him. Maybe he doesn't know she's his. Maybe I can just write it off as a one night stand. I pulled Em closer to me in a maternal instinct. "Hey." I planted a kiss in her hair and turned back to Derek. "So…I see you've met Emma." I smiled awkwardly.

"Yes, I have." He smiled cockily "I wasn't aware you had a daughter."

"I wasn't aware you had a fiancé." I smirked back.

"What?" his face grew white. I definitely knocked him off balance with that one.

"She seems very nice, not your type but nice."

"So, you met Rachel." It was more of a statement than a question.

"Yep. Is it just me or are they getting younger and younger?"

"Mer, she's older than you."

"Botox works miracles, doesn't it?"

"How old is Emma?" she pulled away from me and proudly held up three fingers for Derek to see.

"I am three!" she smiled. Derek crouched down to her.

"Wow, you're a very smart three year old." He smiled. She giggled back, moving closer to him, feeling more comfortable.

"What's your name?" she asked.

"My name's Derek." He extended his hand. Emma looked at it for a while not sure what to do, so he took her hand in his and gently shook it. Her hand was tiny in his and I felt a pang of guilt sweep over me as I saw the chemistry between the two.

"Do you want to meet Lucy?" she asked.

"No babe, Derek's got to go to work." I said pulling her back to me. "Say goodbye."

"Bye bye." She waved.

"Maybe I can see Lucy another time?" he asked.

"We'll see. Go get ready for Poppy, he's looking forward to having you over." She walked out and into her room leaving Derek and me alone in my room. "What are you doing here?" I asked.

"She's really beautiful Mer."

"Don't change the subject Derek."

"Do you remember anything about last night?"

"I was hoping it was a bad dream."

"It was real, scary and real." He frowned.

"I know what happened last night, what I want to know is why you're still here."

"I wanted to see if you were okay."

"Well don't because I'm not your responsibility."

"Meredith, I was worried about you."

"You have no right to be worried about me."

"What are you talking about?"

"Just leave. Go home."

"You're being irrational."

"No I'm not. You're not welcome here, not anymore." I was so close to tears but I couldn't cry in front of him, I couldn't show him I needed him, not when he was with someone else.

"Tell Emma it was a pleasure to meet her." He turned and left my room. As soon as he was out of ear shot I sank onto my bed and cried.

xXx

I pulled up outside my dad's new home, where he lived his new life with his new family. I've never been comfortable around his wife and daughters but after mum died he's all I have left. Every Tuesday he looks after Emma for me and every Tuesday he answers the door with a huge grin and his arms wide open for Em to run into. I turned off the engine and hopped out to unbuckle Em. "Poppy said we were going to the park today!" Emma squealed as I picked her up out of the car seat.

"Wow! You be a good girl for Poppy then, don't get into any trouble okay?"

"Pinky promise." She said holding out her pinky. We hooked pinkies and then I set her back on the ground. She ran to the door and continually pressed the doorbell.

"Babe don't do that, mummy's got a headache. Hey dad." I smiled as he opened the door in his usual fashion. It was still weird calling him that but I knew how much it meant to him. After mum died a year ago I had eventually forgiven him for leaving us.

"How's my favourite little monkey." He said picking her up.

"Dad, she'll hurt your back, put her down. Now baby, mummy's got to go to work, can I have a kiss goodbye?" I leaned in and she gave me a big wet one. "Oh babe," I laughed, "you're going to ruin mummy's make up."

"I love you!" she giggled.

"Love you too. See you dad."

xXx

It was my lunchbreak so I sat at one of the tables in the cafeteria going over some notes for Grace Jacobs' case whilst eating my salad. I was so emersed in my notes I didn't notice someone sit down across from me. I only looked up when they stole a slice of cucumber from my salad. "Hey, I was just reading up on Grace. It doesn't look to good."

"I saw her earlier this morning, she doesn't look to good either." Derek sighed.

"I'm worried we're running out of time."

"Yeah, I know the feeling." I wasn't sure if what he said had a double meaning but I didn't press it.

"So, Rachel seems nice."

"Uh, yeah, she's great." He replied awkwardly. I didn't really want to have this conversation and I knew he definitely didn't but I wanted to know how serious they were, how much he had moved on.

"So how long have you two known each other?"

"I actually met her a couple of months before I came here last time. She's in plastics and transferred to the same hospital as Addison and I."

"So what made you, you know?"

"Propose? She proposed actually."

"Really?" I raised my eyebrows. I admit my heart was the slightest bit lighter after hearing that; at least it wasn't him.

"Yeah. It was, different. So, what about you and Tom? He asked.

"Tom?"

"The guy you're in a 'serious' relationship with." He grinned.

Dammit! "Oh, that Tom. Yeah, it never really started to begin with actually."

"So, you lied?" he was still grinning in the cocky way he does. Urgh, he could be so frustrating.

"Yeah, kind of like you and Rachel not being anything serious, or forgetting to mention you had a wife." I grinned as equally cockily back.

"Ouch, I deserved that."

"Yeah, you did." I smiled.

"I miss this."

"Miss what?"

"This. Us talking like this, everything."

"It's been a while hasn't it?"

"Four years is a damn long time to go without hearing

your voice." He was serious now, looking at me with his piercing blue eyes.

"Why did you leave?" I'd always had my own theories but I wanted to hear it from him, why he abandoned me again.

"I wanted to save my marriage and I couldn't do it when I saw you everyday. I needed to get you out of my head and the only solution I could think of was to move back to New York. I convinced myself that deep down I still loved Addison, but I didn't. I cared her about her but I didn't love her anymore, I loved you. Unfortunately it took leaving for me to realise that."

I sat in silence for a moment taking in everything he said. Although he said he loved me it obviously wasn't enough for him to come back to me. I felt like a fool because I had literally spent years crying over him and he was able to move straight into another relationship with what seemed like no hesitation. I hadn't even dated anyone since he'd left. I felt the anger rising inside me threatening to make me burst. Red, hot tears of fury were forming in my eyes making it impossible for me to see properly.

"Meredith, I never meant to hurt you." He said placing his hand on mine. I pulled it out of his reach and stood up gathering my papers furiously.

"Who said you hurt me!" I yelled storming off. Okay, so maybe that wasn't very convincing but I had to get away from him. Hadn't he stopped hurting me yet? Why did I still let him get to me like this? I found my way to a supply closet and entered it closing the door behind me and sinking to the floor in hysterical sobs that shook my whole body. I noticed someone open the door but refused to show it. I knew it was him and I really couldn't handle him right now.

"Meredith?" his voice was soft and concerned, almost calming.

"Just…go…away." I breathed between sobs.

"Meredith, I know it's been a long time but I still care for you. I'm sorry for everything." He sat down next to me taking me into his arms. I didn't resist, just rested my head on his shoulder.

"Is…that all?" I choked out. "You only…care…about…me?"

"No…"

"So…you don't…even…care…about me!"

"Meredith, I love you. I always have and I always will." I felt him stroke my hair softly. After hearing this I'd started to calm down a bit, I'd managed to make my breathing as even as I could although tears were still streaming down my face.

"But you still left."

"I did. I also regret it every single day."

"When you and Addison divorced, why didn't you come back to me? Why did you go and get engaged to another woman?"

"Because I was scared that if I came back I'd find that you'd have moved on, and I was right, you have a daughter." I could almost feel the pain in his voice.

"She's yours, Derek."

"What?"

"Emma's your daughter."


	9. worthless

"I'm so sorry. I should've told you, I just…" I started.

"Don't."

"What?"

"Don't. Just…don't." he let go of me and stood up leaving me alone once again. I dissolved into tears again.

"Derek! Come back...please." I felt as though all the pain I have ever felt in my whole life was attacking me all at the same time. I felt a buzzing at my hip and soon came the unmistakable sound of torture; my pager.

GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA

I sprinted to Grace's room. As I ran I could hear the code blue alarm go off. I didn't see a wheelchair and all of a sudden a flurry of papers showered the room as I hit the ground hard. "Meredith, are you okay?" George asked concerned as he helped me up.

"I'm fine." I lied.

"You've been crying Mer."

"No I haven't. Do you mind picking this up for me? I have a code blue." I asked.

"Uh…"

"Thanks." I shouted back as I ran off. I reached her room to find a crowd of nurses rushing around trying to stabilise Grace. "What happened?" I shouted over the noise as I pushed my way to her.

"Her heart rate just dropped." A nurse replied.

"Give her 20 CCs of metaxalone."

"We already have."

"On whose orders?"

"Mine." I turned to see Derek standing behind me. "I can take care of this Dr. Grey."

"She's my patient."

"She's mine too." He stared me down.

"I had my reasons."

"Excuse me?"

"I had my reasons for not telling you, Derek."

"Dr. Grey, I would appreciate it if you let me attend to our patient." He stepped in and took over. Her heart rate was back to normal in seconds. "Thankyou everyone, we can take it from here." he told the nurses.

"You don't have the right to be mad at me." I continued as the last nurse had left.

"And why is that? Keeping the fact that I have a three year old daughter from my knowledge isn't something I should have a problem with?"

"No, you didn't deserve to know. You left me." I spat.

"I was trying to save my marriage!"

"So sleeping with me the week before you left constitutes as 'saving your marriage.'?"

"You know that was a mistake Mer, we were both drunk…I thought we decided to forget about it."

Oh my god. Was he that stupid? "I did until I found out I was pregnant!"

"I can't do this anymore Meredith." He sighed walking out.

"What? You're just going to leave? Again?" I shouted at his retreating figure.


	10. life for rent

_Flashback_

"_Bad day?" Joe asked as he poured me another shot._

"_Bad day." I downed the shot and felt my throat burn as the liquid went down._

"_Is this seat taken?" I turned around and found myself lost within those beautiful eyes, those McDreamy eyes._

"_Better you than some stranger I'll get drunk with and then invite home and have meaningless sex with and then kick out in the morning feeling even worse than I already did."_

"_I'll take that as a yes." He smiled his McDreamy smile that made melt._

_xXx_

_I woke up to a painful throbbing in my head and the taste of stale alcohol in my mouth. I rolled over and found an empty bed with a letter on the pillow._

_Meredith,_

_Last night was a mistake, we both know it. It's best if we forgot this ever happened. I can't keep hurting you and Addison. I've decided to move back to New York with Addy, we're leaving in a week. It's easier for everyone. I wish you all the best and will never forget you and the love we shared. I will miss you._

_Derek._

_I reread the letter until I had memorised it. Soon my tears made the words run and it was impossible to read anymore. I watched as the ink ran down the page and couldn't help but think that was what my heart felt like right then. _

_Flashback_

"I still can't believe you told him." said Cristina.

"He had a right to know." Izzie answered for me.

"He abandoned her so technically he doesn't."

"Yes but he didn't _know_ about her so _technically_ it's not his fault."

"So what, you're saying its Mer's fault for not telling him?" Cristina threw back at Izzie.

"No, I'm saying-"

"Guys! Stop it." I rubbed my temples trying to rub away the memories of today. It had all gone so terribly wrong, he wasn't meant to know. And now he did and he doesn't want to. Why did I have to go open my stupid big, fat mouth! "I don't want to talk about it, okay?"

"Okay." The answered simultaneously.

"He doesn't want anything to do with me, which is what I wanted. Once he's done with this case he'll move back to New York with Rachel and I'll never have to worry about him again and Em and I can go on with our life." If only it was that simple.

"At least make him pay for child support."

"Cristina, you are so insensitive. Can't you see that Mer doesn't mean that? Or are you so stupid that-"

"Hey, I'm not the model here."

"_Was_ a model, I'm a surgeon now."

"Shut up! You two are just as bad as each other. No Cristina, I will not make him pay for child support, and Izzie I did mean what I said." I jumped off the gurney and walked away.

"Mer," I turned to see Alex running after me, "the Chief wants to see you."

"Why?"

"I dunno." He shrugged. I heard voices coming from the Chief's office when I arrived so I stayed outside and waited till he was done. I couldn't help but eavesdrop when I recognised the other voice.

"Richard, I'm perfectly happy in New York."

"I'm sure you are Derek, but you should know our Neurology department took a huge hit when you left."

"I know, you've told me constantly over the past few years but I have my own practice again. I can't just give that all up."

"You have before. And besides, you said yourself you prefer hospitals than a private practice."

"That was a long time ago."

"What will it take? You know I can't guarantee you Chief of Surgery."

"I am not asking for Chief."

"You and Preston would be my number one choices."

"I doubt he'd be happy to hear you were also offering Chief to me. Last time he didn't take it so well."

"Preston's changed. Everyone's changed."

"I don't need reminding."

"Just think about it Derek." I was waiting for Derek to answer and didn't realise he was coming out the door.

"Hi." I smiled awkwardly.

"What are you doing?"

"Uh…"

"Meredith, just the person I was looking for." The Chief called out, steering me into his office.

"You wanted to see me?"

"Yes, I was wondering how you were coping, what with work and Emma."

"You mean have I told Derek about Emma?"

"No, no. Of course not." He replied awkwardly.

"If you _were_ wondering, yes, I did tell him. And no, he didn't take it well…at all." I looked down at my shoes, uncomfortable to be talking about my personal life with my boss. "If there was anything else you needed me for Chief?"

"No, no, that's all." He smiled, quickly burying himself in his work again.

xXx

"Emma, please just eat your dinner." I begged the stubborn three year old.

"No! I don't like it!" she yelled.

"You _love_ spaghetti." I tried, lifting the fork to her mouth again.

"It's yucky! I hate it!" she was going into tantrum mode now, pushing the fork away.

"What's wrong honey?" I asked, trying the fork again.

"Just do this for mummy okay?"

"NO!" she screamed, hitting the fork so that the spaghetti splattered all over my top.

"For God's sake Emma, eat your dinner!" I shouted. She fell silent as her lip trembled and her eyes shone with tears threatening to spill down her cheeks.

"I'm so sorry baby. I didn't mean to yell at you." She broke into loud wails and pushed her bowl of her high chair sending its contents all over the kitchen floor. I couldn't do this anymore, I sat down on a kitchen chair and broke into sobs.

"Meredith, are you okay?"

"Does it look like I'm okay, George!" I cried. "Can you just take care of this for me? I need to get out of here." I said getting up.

"No."

"What?" I turned to look at him.

"No. Stop asking me to clean up after you, I'm sick of it. You have to take responsibility for your problems for once. Emma is your daughter and she doesn't deserve a mother who goes out and gets drunk at bars whenever she feels like shit. She doesn't deserve a mother who pushes her onto everyone else when she doesn't feel like dealing with her. Act like a mother Meredith, look after your daughter. She needs her mother." I stood staring at George, taken aback at his sudden honesty. George _always_ swallowed his emotions. He _always_ put everyone before himself. But that's what he _was_ doing; he was looking after me, trying to wake me up from my selfishness, not trying to look good in my eyes, but trying to make me a better mother for my daughter.

"Would you be able to get the mop out for me while I clean up Emma?" I asked quietly.

"Sure." He smiled reassuringly. I picked up Emma out of her chair and rocked her subsiding her cries. The doorbell rang and I looked to George. "Just make sure you clean this up when you're done." He smiled.

"Okay George." I smiled. I walked into the entrance still holding Emma on my hip. There at the door is none other than him. "What are you doing here?" I asked as I opened the door.

"I came to see my daughter."


	11. honestly ok

"Emma?" I breathed.

"Yes, unless you have another one you're hiding from me." He answered, pushing past me into the entrance.

"This really isn't a good time Derek."

"When will be a good time Meredith? Ten, twenty years from now?"

"No I just mean…I'm cleaning." I answered feebly. That was the most pathetic excuse Meredith!

"Can I help you clean?" he grinned.

"George said I had to do it myself."

"Well, I wouldn't want to go against George."

"She's…she's in the kitchen. Covered in spaghetti." I led him in and went to the sink to grab a washer. "Emma, do you remember Derek?" I asked as I rinsed the washer.

"Yeah. You're the funny man who didn't meet Lucy." She giggled as I wiped the sauce off her face.

"Can I meet her now?" he asked crouching down to her height.

"Yep." She said, taking his hand. "And you can see my room too, it's pink!"

"I'll just uh…clean up then, while you do that." I watched as Emma dragged him up the stairs. It was a beautiful site that I never wanted to forget. Half an hour had passed and I'd finished cleaning the kitchen so I ventured upstairs to check on them. I leant on the doorframe watching Emma pour Derek tea. "I uh, I have spaghetti…if you want some."

"You know what? I'm starving. I'd love spaghetti." He flashed his McDreamy smile and I couldn't help but copy. "Do you like spaghetti Emma?" he asked before taking a sip, pinkie up.

"Yum!" she shouted.

"You didn't like it earlier." I narrowed my eyes at her smiling.

"This is delicious Mer. Since when do you cook anything edible?" Derek smiled over his next forkful.

"Hey, you used to _praise_ my Mac and Cheese." I grinned.

"All you had to do was add water." He laughed.

"It's trickier than it sounds. So, what about Rachel, is she a wiz in the kitchen?"

"Not really. She could never make Mac and Cheese like you."

"But all you have to do is add water." I smiled, cocking an eyebrow.

"It's trickier than it sounds." He grinned. "So, what have you whipped up for desert?" he asked expectantly.

"That's still Izzie's area. I think there might be some chocolate cake left over." I said getting up and looking in the fridge.

"Cake!" Emma squealed.

"Only when you've finished your dinner." I pointed to her.

"You're not one of those mums?"

"Oh and your mother let you do anything you wanted?"

"I was her youngest and only son. I got away with murder." He sheepishly grinned.

"I bet you did." I smiled setting the cake in front of him.

xXx

"So, how was last night?" Izzie grinned the next morning over her coffee mug.

"It was…nice. I had fun."

"Playing 'Happy Families' really suits you guys. It's cute."

"We _weren't_ playing _'Happy Families'_. He just, wanted to see Em."

"Well you guys make the hottest family I've ever seen." She grinned.

"Go pick on George." I said as I whipped her with a tea towel.

xXx

"So Dr. Grey, did you get the lab results on Grace?" Derek asked joining me at the nurse's station.

"Not yet, they're backed up at the moment."

"I had fun last night." He smiled looking at me.

"Yeah. Me too."

"Maybe we can do it again sometime."

"I'd like that."

"Rach is dying to see Emma."

"Oh, really?...Great!" I smiled my fakest smile as I answered with fake enthusiasm. For a moment I forgot I wasn't the only woman in his life. For a moment I was happy. And then reality came crashing down on me.


	12. stoned

"You're actually going to let her see Em? What are you crazy?" Cristina spat, slamming her locker.

"Well, I couldn't say no." I answered putting on my white coat.

"Uh, yeah, you could."

"It doesn't matter anyway, they're never going to get married. Especially she sees you and McDreamy playing McFamily." said Izzie.

"Whatever." I mumbled tying up my shoes. "So, excited about tonight?" I asked Cristina.

"Why would I be?" Izzie and I shot warning stares at her.

"Oh yeah, that. Come on, it's only our _second_ anniversary. I don't even know why we're doing anything. It's not like it's important."

"_Hello_, you do remember you're married to the most sentimental person ever, don't you?"

"Don't remind me." She grumbled.

"You are such a bitch." Izzie laughed.

"It turns him on." She grinned.

"Eeeww!" Izzie and I squealed simultaneously.

"Totally walked in at the wrong time." George yelled, rushing to his locker, hands over his ears.

"George, could you pick up Em this afternoon and take her to Cristina's tonight? I have a late shift." I asked.

"Ooh, I will. My last surgery got cancelled so I'm finishing early." Izzie beamed.

"She's all yours."

"So get this, Burke invited McDreamy tonight." Cristina declared as she sat down to lunch with us.

"To your anniversary dinner?"

"Yep. Apparently he's bringing Rachel."

"What, tonight?" I blurted.

"No, next year." replied Cristina, dripping with sarcasm.

"Why would he invite Derek? I mean, I didn't even think he liked him."

"Burke's bosom buddies with everyone these days."

"Tonight's not gonna be awkward at all." Izzie grinned.

xXx

"Shit. Shit, shit, shit. Where are my keys?" I shouted to George upstairs as I was rushing frantically around getting ready. My surgery had run late so now I was already running ten minutes late.

"We'll take my car." George said as he met me in the kitchen. "Wow. Mer, you look, fantastic."

"Really? It's not too much is it?" I asked smoothing my black dress. "Is it too short? And the heels, I'm not sure about the heels."

"Mer, calm down. It's perfect. You look perfect."

"Thanks George." I smiled pecking him on the cheek.

"We better hurry unless you want Cristina to kick your ass."

We pulled up, now twenty minutes late, and rang the bell. They had moved out of Burke's apartment and bought a house. "What took you so long?" Cristina hissed, wrenching the door open.

"Sorry, surgery. Happy anniversary."

"Yeah, thanks. Listen, I can't take anymore of McDreamy and Burke's shop talk." She said grabbing me by the arm and pulling me inside.

"Meredith, George! You made it." Burke beamed as they entered the entertaining room.

"Happy anniversary." I congratulated him, giving him a kiss on the check. "This is from all of us." I handed him the gift wrapped present. "And Em has something to give you too. Emma, mummy's here." I called out looking for her. I found her on the carpet playing with Lucy and Rachel. "Oh, hi...Rachel."

"Hi Meredith. It's great to meet you again. You're daughter is _gorgeous_." She smiled, holding her hand out.

"Uh, thanks." I said, shaking her hand. "Emma, did you want to give Uncle Preston and Aunty Cristina their presents now?"

"I did." She smiled. "They loved it."

"They did? That's great. I thought you were going to wait for mummy though."

"Oh, that's my fault. We did it together. She was dying to give it to them." Rachel smiled.

"How nice." I plastered on another fake smile. They seemed to be my trademark lately.

"Meredith, you look beautiful." Derek said, kissing me lightly on the cheek.

"Thank you."

"Mummy, look at my twirly skirt." Emma said, spinning in front of me.

"You look so pretty!" I beamed, picking her up. "Did Aunty Izzie choose it?"

"Yep. I choosed the shoes." She declared proudly, lifting her feet for me to see.

"Dinner is served." Burke led us into the dining room.

"So, Rachel, what do you do?" Cristina asked as we started the first meal.

"I'm a plastic surgeon."

"_Really?_ I would have never picked it. Cosmetics?"

"Pediatric and Reconstruction actually."

"Rachel is the best in New York." Derek smiled.

"What, at removing birth marks?"

"_Cristina._" Burke grimaced.

"What? I'm just interested."

"A toast to the happy couple." I interrupted holding up my glass.

"Cheers!"

"And to many more!" everyone sang.

"Not too long and that'll be us, won't it honey?" _Clang! _

"Sorry, I slipped." I explained picking up the knife and fork I used to cut up Emma's veggies. "You know, I'm just gonna go wash my face. Getting a little hot." I excused myself and rushed to the bathroom. I leant over the bath and tried to steady my breathing. This was not going well. I had to control myself. I wasn't going to freak out in front of perfect McFiancé.

"Are you okay, Mer?"

I quickly readjusted myself, not realising anyone had followed me. I felt his hands on my shoulders and shuddered at his touch. "I'm fine." I said shaking him off.

"Are you sure?" he asked staring into my eyes with those baby blues.

"Yes Derek, I am fine."

"You've always been a terrible liar." He grinned.

"Okay, I'm not fine. Are you happy? I'm not fine listening to your perfect fiancé talking about your perfect life and your perfect wedding. I can't take it. I thought I didn't care but I do, Derek. It's killing me." I blinked back the tears glistening in my eyes. We stared at each other in silence for what felt like years before he took my head in his hands and pulled me into a searing kiss.


	13. see the sun

I felt my body stiffen and slowly relax into his arms. His tongue was lashing at mine. His hands were going through my hair. His knee was between my legs. And I wasn't resisting a minute of it. It felt so right. His mouth moved to my neck and then to the neckline of my dress. I pulled his mouth up back to mine missing the taste of his lips. I never wanted it to end.

"Knock, knock."

"Shit! It's Izzie." I whispered pulling away from him.

"Are you alright Mer?" she called through the door.

"Yeah. I'm fine." I called back, pulling my dress back down. "Fix your tie." I whispered.

"Are you sure?" she opened the door to reveal Derek and I dishevelled. "Oh…_oh_…I'll, I'll just go, downstairs, um…okay." She closed the door with a huge grin on her face.

xXx

"Guess who I walked in on having s-e-x with somebody's d-a-d?"

"Oh my god, you had sex with Shepherd?" Cristina shouted at me.

"_No_!"

"Yeah you did. I saw you." Izzie laughed.

"You were watching them?" Cristina asked in astonishment.

"_No!_ No, she did not watch and _no_, I _didn't_ have sex with Derek. We, kissed."

"Oh what, that's all? What are you from primary school Izzie?" she scoffed.

"They were half dressed!" defended Izzie.

"You had sex with Derek?" Cristina shouted again at me.

"No! We. Just. Kissed…a lot."

"Shame you didn't walk in on them doing it. I'd kill to see McDreamy's-"

"_Cristina_!" I yelled.

"Morning Dr. Yang, Stevens…Dr. Grey."

"Good morning Dr. Shepherd." We all replied.

"I have to go round up my interns." Izzie said leaving.

"Surgery." Cristina said and followed Izzie.

"Hi." I smiled awkwardly.

"Hey." He returned the smile. "About last night,"

"Oh, don't worry about it. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have kept going, I-"

"I wasn't apologising Mer."

"You weren't?"

"No." he flashed his signature smile and I started having heart palpitations. "I was wondering if we could do it again, tonight, over dinner."

"What about Rachel, your _fiancée_?"

"After dinner last night I couldn't look at her. It felt like such a jerk. But then I realised, I shouldn't have to be sorry for kissing the woman I love. I don't love Rachel and I never did. I was lonely. She was a rebound that stupidly went too far. I want _you_. I love you." his eyes bore into me and I felt myself heat up. He loved me. "I ended it. She's heading back to New York today."

"I don't know what to say."

"Say you'll go to dinner with me."

"Derek, I just, I can't. I have to go." I ran out of the locker room and into the nearest bathroom.

xXx

I'd survived yet another day at Seattle Grace. I shrugged out of my soaking wet jacket as I got in the door. After hanging it on the hook I turned to Em and helped her out of her raincoat and gumboots. We trudged into the kitchen and went straight for the fridge. There was a post-it note stuck to the door from Izzie.

_Mer_

_Gone out to dinner with Alex_

_George went out with Callie – don't ask_

_Iz _

"It looks like it's just you and me tonight babe." I grabbed two sodas and a plate of cupcakes, closed the door and sat down at the table with Em. I opened her soda for her and slid across the table to her. She took a huge gulp, set it back down and let out a small burp.

"Sorry mummy." She giggled, holding her hand over her mouth.

"That's okay." I smiled. "So, it looks like Uncle George is going on a date with Callie."

"I like Callie." Emma said, licking the icing off her cupcake. "She fixed my bones."

"I wonder if she can fix George's heart." I said to myself.

"Is Uncy Georgie's heart bad?"

"No. It's just lonely."

"Why?"

"Because he hasn't had a girlfriend for a long time." I explained as best I could to a three year old.

"Are you lonely mummy?"

"Why?"

"You don't have a boyfriend."

"I have you. You're all I need." _Ding Dong. _"I wonder who that could be." I walked to the door and saw Derek on the other side holding pizza boxes. "What are you doing here?" I asked as I opened the door.

"I thought if you couldn't come out to dinner, I'd bring it to you." He smiled.

"You never give up, do you?"

"Nope."

"Did you get cheese?"

"Only the best cheese pizza in Seattle."

"Come in." I closed the door and followed him into the kitchen. "Look who's here Em. And he brought pizza!"


	14. don't think of me

I followed Derek up the stairs as he carried Emma to bed. She was sleeping soundly in his arms, snuggled into his chest. It was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. I felt the hole in my heart that Derek could fill but squashed it as quickly as it came. Denial was always my strongest suit. I watched as Derek tucked her in and laid a kiss on her forehead. I did the same before whispering goodnight. As we descended the stairs, muffled voices met our ears. There was a crash as Izzie came into view tripping over the table by the door.

"Izzie, come on Izzie." Alex helped her up.

"I'm fine!" Izzie slurred. "I've never been better. Do you want to have sex?"

"No Iz, I don't."

"Oh! I see, I'm not good enough for you. Well, you can piss off you self-righteous-son-of-a-"

"What the hell happened?" I hissed at Alex.

"I'm sorry Mer. We went to Joes and she had too much to drink."

"I can see that. Why didn't you stop her?"

"I tried, she just"

"Just go. You've done enough." Derek helped me take Izzie to her room as Alex dejectedly exited.

xXx

"Mer, phone." George said as he opened my bedroom door letting in the morning light. I sat up in bed squinting and grabbed the phone from him. "Hey." I answered muggily.

"Morning sunshine." Came the familiar voice of Derek.

"Hmm" I mumbled, smiling to myself.

"I was wondering if you wanted to join me for a hearty hospital cafeteria breakfast on this fine morning."

"Sounds tempting. I'll see you in an hour?"

"Sure."

xXx

I entered the cafeteria trying to ignore the butterflies in my stomach. Last night felt so right together I couldn't stop thinking about it. I was three tables away when a familiar brunette came in to view.

"Derek." She smiled, kissing him on the cheek.

"What are you doing Rachel?" he asked.

"I'm kissing my fiancé." She smiled.

"We're not engaged anymore. We're over, we discussed this."

"Do you really think I was going to let you get away?" she smiled pulling him in to a searing kiss. I watched on in horror, as he didn't resist before I finally gained control over my body and ran into the nearest supply closet. Shit. What just happened? Why didn't he pull away? I rested my head in my arms and cried.

xXx

"Meredith. Mer, wake up." I lifted my head to see Cristina leaning over me with worried eyes. "We've been paging you for hours."

"What?"

"You fell asleep."

"Oh crap. How long was I out?"

"A couple of hours. What's with you?"

"Nothing. Everything. Oh god, I don't know." I ran my hands over my face trying to make sense of the situation.

"What time is it?"

"Twelve."

"Dammit, I'm late picking up Em." I rushed to my car and sped out of the parking lot towards dad's house. As I pulled up to the curb, I recognised Derek's car in front. Where did he get off? I stepped out and knocked on the door. Derek answered with Emma on his hip.

"Hey mummy." He smiled.

"What are you doing here?"

"I came to pick up my daughter. I thought we could all go out for dinner."

"Aren't you forgetting something? Or is Rachel coming along too?"

"Mer, I was just as surprised as you were."

"Yeah, so surprised you couldn't keep your lips off her." I grabbed Emma out of his arms and started heading towards the car.

"She kissed _me_!"

"You didn't exactly resist."

"I was caught off guard."

"It doesn't matter anymore. She obviously wants you back and there's nothing I can do. It's not like anything happened between us anyway."

"We have a daughter, is that not serious enough for you?"

"You hardly know her! I was the one who had to go through everything alone because you moved to another state to get away from me!"

"I needed to save my marriage."

"How did that go for you?"

"That's not fair. You know I would have stayed if I knew you were pregnant."

"Yes, that's just it. I needed to know if you'd stay for me because you loved me, not out of obligation to me."

"Why do you think I came back?"

"Because you're the best neurosurgeon on the East Coast?"

"Because I wanted to see you again. I missed you."

"Listen Derek, it's not going to work. I can't afford to be in a relationship with a man who's bailed on every other one he's been in, and neither can Emma." And I left him standing in front of my father's house as I drove away with our daughter, tears running down my face.


	15. slide

"I'm just going to go out there and be professional. I'm going to pretend that we're just two co-workers who have nothing between them other than our jobs." I took a deep breath in and out, as I coached myself to walk out of the locker room and get on with the day.

"Totally, just two co-workers that happen to have a daughter together."

"Hurting or helping Cristina, hurting or helping?" I snapped.

"Sorry mum." Beep beep. "Crap, Bailey's got me on a tight leash ever since I told Nurse Betty where to stick it."

"But I thought you were above authority, Bailey's not even our resident anymore." I teased arching an eyebrow.

"Yeah, she's an attending." She left in a huff. Beep beep. I looked down at my pager and read the 911 displayed and Grace's room number.

"She's going into shock Doctor Grey." A nurse called as I ran into the room.

"Give her a shot of Dopamine." I ordered.

"But Doctor Grey, we don't know her diagnosis."

"It's MSA."

"That's not confirmed."

"Are you going to let her die or are you going to listen to the doctor?" I yelled. "Give her a shot of Dopamine!" The nurse injected the drug and Grace's spasms stopped.

"Jeanette, next time I'd appreciate it if you didn't question a resident." I felt the heat from Derek's body behind me as he stood close to check on the situation.

"Sorry Dr. Shepherd."

"Nice work Grey. Unfortunately we're running out of time fast if we want to save her." As he spoke, Grace's eyes fluttered open taking in the room around her.

"Hi Grace," I said, "I'm Meredith and this is Dr Shepherd. How do you feel?" She tried to speak but was having immense difficulty.

"Impaired speech, swallowing and breathing difficulties." Derek said taking notes. "Grace, can I get you to sit up?" she looked from me to Derek with fear in her eyes.

"It's okay Grace. We think you have a disorder called Multiple System Atrophy. Dr Shepherd just needs to do some tests to confirm." I let Derek explain her symptoms and guide her through his tests. As we exited the room, he reread her chart.

"She responded to the Dopamine, she has all the symptoms, it's definitely MSA in which case she only has ten years or less left. We could try the Parkinson's treatment Levodopa however, striatonigral degeneration does not respond well to it. It looks like we're going to have to close the book on this."

"You're giving up?"

"There's not much else I can do. The case isn't surgical anymore"

"Then why do you think they flew you here from New York? To confirm my diagnosis?"

"That's exactly why. They didn't trust a Resident's opinion."

"That's pathetic!"

"That's the system."

"Screw the system! And screw you!" I stormed off, anger burning through every inch of me.

xXx

"I heard you let McDreamy have it." Izzie said joining me in the cafeteria for lunch.

"Oh god, who told you?"

"No, I mean I _heard_ you. Practically the whole floor heard you."

"Yeah, well he was being a jackass."

"What'd he do?"

"That's just it, he did nothing. We've finally diagnosed our Neuro patient and now he's dropping the case, says she has no hope and only ten years left to live. She's only twenty three."

"But there's no cure for it."

"Yes, but surgery can control the symptoms, even give her a few more years."

"He won't operate?"

"No, he says the case isn't surgical anymore."

"I'm sure he has a valid reason, he's Derek Shepherd."

"I know, it's just…"

"This is so not just about the case, is it?" she smiled.

"Yes it is."

"Oh no it's not."

"You know what, I'm sick of arguing."

"Oh come on Mer, ever since Rachel came back you've been so moody."

"I have PMS."

"I know for a fact that's not true. Never try to use that excuse on a fellow female roommate."

"Nothing is wrong with me."

"Okay, what about when I caught you two making out in Burke's bathroom? How do you explain that?"

"I was drunk."

"You don't drink."

"Okay, maybe there was something but it's all gone now because he's a jackass."

xXx

It was the middle of the day and I was standing at the nurse's desk filling out paperwork when I spotted Derek out of the corner of my eye heading toward me. "Meredith, I want you to see if you can track down Grace's family."

"I've already tried Dr Shepherd. No one's registered."

"Well try again."

"Oh, how helpful."

"You know sarcasm doesn't suit you Mer." He grinned looking all McDreamy. I'm sure this pen in your eye wouldn't suit you either.

"What do you want Dr Shepherd?"

"I've been thinking about the surgery."

"You want consent."

"Yes."

"You're going to trust my opinion?"

"You're more than just a pretty face and a hot screw." He grinned devilishly.

"Seriously!" I yelled storming off. Jackass.


	16. do you have a little time

It was my first day off in weeks and I was taking full advantage of it lying on the couch with a bowl of popcorn and The Bold and the Beautiful. "Ridge and Brooke get together already." I cursed the screen. Izzie had the day off too so she was in the kitchen whipping me up a batch of choc chip cookies.

"I love this show. Oh my god, I haven't seen this in like a month and they're still in the same clothes." Izzie said joining me.

"That's why it's the perfect show for a surgeon." I said taking a cookie. The phone started ringing. "Hello." I answered picking up.

"Meredith, it's Derek. Before you yell or hang up just listen to me. I know you're upset with me and probably never want to see me again after everything that's happened between us but please don't keep me away from my daughter. I deserve to have a relationship with her. I also want one with you more than anything but that's up to you. All I ask is that you let her know I'm her daddy."

"Derek I don't think…"

"No Meredith, don't deny me this. No matter how much you hate me you know your daughter needs to know her dad, just like you did." Tears started to well in my eyes and I was finding it difficult to think. He was right and I knew he was.

"Can we not do this over the phone? Just give me some time."

"Please Mer. Is she there?"

"She's sleeping"

"Can you tell her I said hello?"

"I will. Bye Derek."

"Bye Mer." I hung up and turned back to the TV.

"Derek huh?" Izzie inquired.

"Yeah."

"You two are like Seattle Grace's own soapie."

"You don't need to tell me twice." Ring, ring. "Your turn." Izzie answered and her face turned grim.

"I'm busy…I'm fine…listen I'll talk to you later…I'm not lying…goodbye Alex."

"What's going on with you two?" I asked as she hung up.

"Nothing."

"Seriously?" I said raising my eyebrows.

"Seriously."

"Iz, he brought you home drunker than I have ever seen you the other night. You don't do those things."

"It wasn't his fault. I was upset about Denny."

"He cares about you, you know."

"I just, it hasn't even been three months since Denny died and…I just…"

"Feel like you're betraying him."

"Exactly." She sighed.

"I don't think that's how Denny would see it. He was an amazing guy and he wanted you to be happy. If Alex is what makes you happy, go for it."

"We we're going to get married."

"What?"

"He proposed. The night he died, he asked me to marry him." Her face was devoid of emotion.

"Oh my god."

"Yeah."

xXx

_So much for a day off, _I groaned as drove to Seattle Grace. I'd gotten a 911 page for Grace from Derek. I didn't have time to head to the locker room to change into my scrubs so I ran into the room in my street clothes. Derek was already there trying to control Grace who was having seizures. "Why did you page me? I'm not on call." I asked as I helped him.

"She's bleeding out, we need to schedule her for an emergency surgery." He explained lifting her onto a gurney with help from a male nurse. "I want you to scrub in." I quickly got into my scrubs and entered the scrub room running my arms under the tap and cleaning them with soap. Derek joined me as I was drying my hands.

"Sorry to call you in on your day off but I thought you'd want to be here."

"Yeah, I do."

"Dr Shepherd! Her pressure's dropping!" a nurse yelled from the OR.

"Time of death, 9:41." Derek announced defeated as he ripped his surgical gloves of and threw them into the trash. I followed him into the scrub room not daring to say anything. His face was contorted with anger, anger at his inability to save someone's life. As I dried up and left for the door, I felt his eyes upon me. I turned around to see him staring at me, his eyes full of sorrow.

"Meredith."

"Dr. Shepherd." I replied. He sighed.

"Thankyou for your help Dr. Grey." He said professionally before walking out leaving me alone without a second glance. I entered the nearest on call room to regather myself and the pain he was causing me. I jumped as I felt someone's hot breath on my neck. I whipped around to see Derek.

"What the hell are you doing?" I gasped.

"Sorry, I just…"

"No stop it. Stop being sorry. You're so perfect and so McDreamy and it's killing me so stop it!"

"Meredith."

"Don't say my name…please. It just hurts too much." I cried. He stared at me with a pained expression for what felt like forever and then took my face in his hands and lowered his lips to mine engaging me in a passionate kiss. I lost all coherent thought and kissed him back just as fiercely. I ran my fingers through his hair as his crept up my back underneath my scrubs. I moaned as he nipped at my neck. He lowered me onto the bed as I pulled his shirt over his head trailing kisses up his body. I tugged at the drawstring of his scrubs and pulled them down along with his boxers taking in full view the body I'd been yearning for all these years. Just as quickly as I'd undressed him, he did the same and we were soon tangled in the sheets in breathless ecstasy. I was lost in the passion and no longer had control over my body as I moaned out his name and heard him breathe mine.


	17. this land is mine

The lights were still on when I arrived home that night. I hung my coat on the rack at the door and entered the kitchen in search of comfort food. I found Izzie halfway through her third batch of raspberry muffins. "Hey Iz, why the muffins?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.

"No reason." She said turning to me. "Oh my god!" she screamed.

"What? What's wrong?"

"You had sex!""

"How…what, no I didn't. What are you talking about?"

"You so did." She grinned. "Hey George," she called into the living room "Mer got some."

"Some what?" He called back.

"Nothing! I got _nothing._"

"Was it McDreamy?"

"It was no one because there wasn't anything. I was in surgery."

"How'd it go?"

"We lost her." I sighed, picking at a muffin.

"Comfort sex." She nodded knowingly.

"What makes you think I had sex?"

"Mer, you haven't had sex in four years. And four years ago you were having sex with everyone."

"I was not!"

"Seriously, you had so much sex we could tell which nights you did and which nights you didn't."

"That's because you heard me." I blushed.

"Whatever, you had sex and I know it."

"How's Emma?" I asked.

"Nice change of subject. Subtle _and_ smooth. God you're good." she laughed.

"Listen, I'm going to bed, we'll discuss this in the morning and why you're cooking muffins again."

"You sound so much like a…a…mother. Yeah that's it."

"Very funny."

"I never thought I'd see this side of you in a million years."

"Go to bed."

xXx

"Good morning baby." I said to my daughter as she came into the kitchen. She was wearing her blue party dress and red dancing shoes. "Why are you so dressed up?"

"It's Wednesday." She explained looking at me like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"You don't have day care today babe."

"No silly. We's is going to Derek's." How could I forget? Derek had invited us over to lunch a couple of days ago.

"Mummy's not feeling well."

"Mummy." She pleaded with her gorgeous eyes, the same eyes that bore into my soul not so many hours ago. His eyes. "You saids we are." She stuck out her lower lip; the warning that tears were on their way.

"Okay chicken, but not for long."

xXx

Derek's car was there when we pulled up and I wasn't sure if I was relieved or disappointed about it. He opened the door with a cardboard box under one arm. "Hey." He smiled unsurely. He felt a tug at his jeans and looked down to find Emma staring up at him. "Hey sweetie, how are you?" he asked as he knelt down to her height, tucking a curl behind her ear.

"I hope this isn't a bad time. I would've called but this one was getting a bit impatient."

"Yeah, uh, no it's fine…Why um, what are you doing here?"

"You promised to show Emma around the land."

"That was today. Oh, of course. Sorry I'm a bit slow this morning." He smiled apologetically. I felt a shiver up my spine as I remembered last night. "So, let's go." He walked around me and grabbed Emma's hand leading her down the steps of the trailer. I could tell something was off.

"Mummy, I needs to go potty."

"Can we use the bathroom?" I watched him hesitate before answering.

"Yeah, go ahead." As we entered the trailer, I noticed boxes piled on top of each other and an open suitcase on his bed.

"Are you going somewhere?" I asked turning to him.

"I'm heading back to New York. My consults over, there's no reason for me to stay."

"No reason?" I asked incredulously.

"Listen, I'm keeping the land and the trailer so I can visit. It's just easier this way."

"Easier for who Derek?"

"Everyone. I can't keep doing this to you, hurting you like this. I have a life to get back to in Manhattan."

"So you don't consider your own daughter part of your life."

"She doesn't even know I'm her father Mer. You never told her and by the way things are going it looks like you never will."

"So you're just giving up on us?"

"Rachel's waiting for me."

"_Rachel?_ You're staying with her. What about last night, didn't that mean _anything_ to you?" I cried in disbelief. This can't be happening. Not after everything we've been through. I felt like my whole world was crashing and there was nowhere I could hide.

"We're engaged." He sighed.

"Of course, I should know how highly you regard the sanctity of marriage." I spat.

"Mer, please don't do this."

"You're scum Derek, pure scum!" at that point Emma came out of the bathroom and I picked her up holding her tightly to my body like a shield. "Come on baby, it's time to go home."

"But I wants to see Derek." She cried.

"Well he's busy so say goodbye."

"Come on Mer, at least let me spend the day with her."

"Seriously?" I snapped as I left the trailer slamming the door in his face.

**Hey guys! Sorry for the very long gap between updates, I just haven't been totally motivated or full of creativity. I know how Derek is acting in my story is probably not the Shonda way but it suits my story and in ways I can kind of see him doing this because he's not exactly an expert on dealing with things. The next chapter will be up depending on reviews and motivation etc. I know all the chapter titles are Dido songs but it doesn't look like she has enough for my chapters so I'll use other songs too. Review!!!!**


	18. see you when you're 40

**Just to let everyone know because I've had a few people asking me why Denny only died three months ago. I started this story before I had seen the season finale so it doesn't follow that storyline. Sorry for the confusion (and lack of updates my comp totally crashed and I lost everything and I haven't been able to upload anything.)**

I put the car in drive and sped away from the trailer toward the country road Derek's property ran off. As I turned onto the main road, I caught sight of a familiar silver BMW in my rear view mirror. "Damn you, Derek." I cursed under my breath.

"I don't want home." Emma cried in the backseat. "I wants Derek."

"Well he doesn't want us." I knew I shouldn't have told her that but I figured a three year old doesn't hold grudges as long as the average person. I was just so…scared. I tried to lose him through the side streets but he wouldn't shake. I slammed the brakes, jumped out of the car slamming the door shut, and pressed child lock. As Derek pulled up, I ran and pounded my fists against his driver's side window. "Leave me alone!" I screamed through a steady flow of tears. "Please just let me _breathe_." He jumped out of the car and caught me as my legs collapsed beneath me. I cried into his chest letting everything out as he whispered reassurances in my ear I could barely hear over my cries of distress. "Take me home, Derek." I whispered as my sobs died down.

xXx

"That better be you Mer, 'cause if it isn't I'm gonna kill- Dr Shepherd, hi, what are you, what are you doing here?" Izzie let her gaze fall to the helpless woman he was holding in his arms and then to Emma holding on to his jeans. "Oh, uh, come in, sorry."

"It's okay. I'm just going to take her upstairs, to her room." He explained.

"Of course. Do you want me to look after Emma while you…do that?"

"That'd be great."

"Okay." She smiled taking Emma's hand as Derek carried me to my room. Let's go see what you can help Aunt Izzie make for dinner."

"Cookies!"

xXx

I vaguely remember Derek laying me on my bed before falling into a restless sleep. As I wake, I sense a presence in the room. I smell in his scent and refuse to open my eyes, pretending to still be asleep. "Hey." I hear him whisper.

"How do you know I'm awake?" I ask, my eyes remaining shut.

"You stopped snoring."

"Oh." I opened my eyes taking him in sitting on my bed. My breath caught in my throat at the way he was looking at me. It could've almost been four years ago.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't."

"Let me in Mer. Let me love you."

"From New York?" I asked bitterly.

"I was an idiot. I thought it'd be easier, if I just left. I wouldn't be able to hurt you anymore."

"You're the love of my life, the father of my child. Without you I'm, I'm just…I need you."

"I need you too."

"I don't want to be alone anymore and Emma needs a father."

"And I _want_ to be her father."

"Then why are you leaving?"

"Because I'm scared. I just had this huge thing thrown on me and you are, you and I missed you. But this was just so much to handle so I tried to run. It's what I do."

"Too much for _you_ to handle? I had to find out I was going to have a baby whose father had travelled to the other side of the country to get away from me. I didn't know how to be a mother Derek, especially a single one."

"You don't have to be anymore. I want to be part of your life."

"You're so confusing! You beg me to be with you and let you know your daughter and as soon as I do that, as soon as I had decided to tell Em the truth, you run. I don't need that type of instability Derek."

"She needs a father Mer."

"She already has one."

"Who George? You're not serious."

"He's twice the man you are Derek. And he's the one I trust with Em, not you." I knew that I was just trying to hurt him but it also held a painful truth to it. George had always been there for me and Em. When I thought he was the father he didn't run the other way and when I told him it was Derek's, he was more supportive than any man would be.

"So that's it; I'm out and George is in?"

"I'm sorry but he was here when you weren't."

"Do you love him?"

"He's George. He's great and he loves me. I told you I loved you and you left me. He knew I didn't feel the same for him and he stayed."

"Know this Meredith Grey; I love you and will never leave you again. You don't want me here than that's too bad because I'm here to stay and you and Em are going to see a lot more of me." With that, he left my room closing the door behind him.


	19. thankyou

"I've decided I'm going to start dating again." I bravely announced to Izzie and Cristina in the resident's locker room.

"Seriously? That's great! I knew you and Derek would finally come to your senses and make up." Izzie chirped.

"No, not Derek. I mean other men. No Derek."

"Oh this is brilliant; Mer on the dating scene. You have to invite me to one, I have to see this." Christina laughed.

"What?" I quipped.

"Seriously? Can you imagine how your dates are going to be like?" Cristina then starts to create the scene. "Hi I'm Meredith Grey, I'm dark and twisty, live with socially retarded roommates," she received a slap on the arm from Izzie. "Currently have no life, oh yeah, and did I mention I have a daughter? Yeah to a man I'm too stubborn to admit I'm in love with who is just as stubborn and is engaged to a woman he doesn't love. So, tell me a little about _your_self."

"Frighteningly accurate, except for the whole roommate part." Izzie agreed.

"Seriously? That's how you see me?"

"In a nutshell." Cristina shrugged.

"You think I can't do this?" I asked nervously. I was already feeling quite apprehensive about the idea when it first came to mind.

"One mention of the word 'kid' and the sucker'll be running in the opposite direction."

"Great." I sighed.

"At least Derek can baby sit." Izzie offered.

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"Hey" Derek greeted me with a dreamy smile as he joined me for lunch.

"Hey."

"So I spoke to Richard today."

"Really?"

"You're looking at the new chief of Seattle Grace?" he beamed.

"What? Richard's retiring?"

"What, no 'Congratulations Derek, You deserve it!'?" he laughed.

"No, sure, I'm just shocked. Was it because of Adele?"

"Apparently they're separated."

"Yeah, he took it pretty hard when my mother died, he started drinking. Adele told him to clean himself up or get out."

"But he did."

"He buried himself in the hospital instead, again." Derek nodded knowingly.

"We should invite them over for dinner."

"Excuse me?" I choked as tried to swallow my soda.

"Richard always tells me how much he and Adele adore Emma. It might be good for them."

"We? As in _us_?"

"I think you and I can be referred to as an us seeing as we do have a daughter together. Of course she doesn't know I'm her father"

I was actually thinking that we should tell her tonight, after work."

"Really?" he beamed. "That would be, it would be…thank you Mer. I love you."

"So I've heard." I muttered. Why did he have to say it all the time and stir up this conflict in me.

"So I'll see you tonight." He smiled as he left for surgery acting like an excited child.

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"Are you sure this is a good idea?" George asked for the hundredth time as I helped Izzie organize dinner.

"Yes George. Emma needs her father."

"I think it's great. She finally gets a real daddy." Izzie beamed.

"Isn't she a bit young?" He questioned.

"No ones to young to have a dad George." Replied Izzie.

"No, I mean to understand it all."

"She's a smart kid." Added Cristina who was over for moral support but had spent the majority of her time filling her face with Izzie's cookies.

"I just hope she doesn't hate me."

"She's not that smart." Reassured Cristina.

"Gee, thanks." Cristina's pager started beeping.

"God, he's so annoying." She groaned.

"What has he asked of you know." I laughed.

"He wants a kid." She simply said.

"And."

"And he freaking pages me every time I ovulate."

"_Seriously?_"Izzie screamed with laughter, me joining in.

"I don't need to be here right now." George said backing out of the kitchen most likely looking for Emma.

"But, how does he know." Izzie asked trying to stifle her laughter after the look Cristina gave her.

"He…he knows when it's that time, of the, month."

"Surely he doesn't go by PMS. You're always bitchy." I added.

"Very funny. He buys my …tampons."

"Oh my god. That's so, so… married."

"Don't remind me." She groaned.

"Okay guys it's nearly six thirty so you have to clear out."

"Can't I just sit in my room?"

"And eavesdrop? I don't think so."

"Fine, fine. I'll get George. Wanna come to Joe's?" Izzie asked Cristina. "Oh wait, you have baby making to do. Start getting used to being sober." The doorbell rang at that moment.

"Saved by the bell." Cristina sneered.

My stomach did a weird flipping thing as I heard the doorbell. I opened the door to see Derek standing there looking especially dreamy. I think a little drool came out the side of my mouth. "Hey, you look beautiful." He smiled before kissing me lightly on the lips. I turned to the other three and gave them a _get the hell outta here_ look.

"Fine, fine. We're leaving," said Cristina. "Bye McDreamy."

**I am so, so, so sorry about the **_**really**_** long absence. Please put you're pitchforks down. I have had a very busy life lately and not the good kind of busy. Because of the long gap, I hope I have kept the mood of the story and you don't feel like you're reading something completely different. My internet's being a retard so it may be a while between chapters; this is my third attempt at posting this chapter lol.**


	20. i eat when the hunger's gone

**First of all I am so sorry about the ridiculously huge gap between chapters but I've been having computer trouble and ended up having to save for ages and buy a new one. Hope you like this chapter if you're still reading it and haven't completely forgotten about this story, please review and let me know you haven't and I'm not just writing in vain.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

Best. Sex. Ever.

Why were those the only words flying around in my head? Shit. I turned over to find a dark mop of curls. I was expecting it but it still did elicit a gasp from me. "Shit."

"Mmm, morning Mer." He smiles lazily as he faces me. "That was the best sex ever."

"Shut up." I sat up running my hands over my face trying to wake up. "What happened last night and why don't I remember?"

"You want the play by play or just an overview?"

"Not the sex!"

"Well, Izzie cooked another fabulous meal, you're pasta was a little dry."

"Be serious."

"Okay, okay. You were really nervous and it was obviously not a good idea to bring a bottle of wine to a four years sober woman's house."

"Oh my god. I drank the whole thing."

"Without the aide of a wine glass." He chuckled.

"Why didn't you stop me?"

"I guess it just made it easier for you to be able to tell Emma about me. You were so much more relaxed."

"God. Well, did we tell her?"

"Yes, we did." He said as his whole face lit up. "We're going to be so happy Mer."

"Whoa, wait a second, this, you and I, the sex, none of it was meant to happen. I was just going to tell her and you can be here as her dad but _we_ aren't together."

"Then why did we just have the best sex we've ever had?"

"I drank a whole bottle of wine!"

"You can't be serious. Mer, we have a daughter together, we love each other."

"No Derek. It's over. I love you yes and yes, you are going to be a huge part of mine and our daughter's life now but I can't be with you. You've hurt me too many times before. So I am going to jump in the shower and get ready for work and when I'm back you won't still be in my bed, naked."

xXx

"So how'd last night go?" Izzie asked as she found me at the nurse's station.

"Good, good." I nodded pretending to be more interested in the chart before me.

"Big day huh?" she smiled.

"Uh huh, wait why?"

"Derek, he's just been announced chief. Dr. Webber held a meeting this morning."

"Oh, right. Listen I have to check on Mr Parsons, I'll see you at lunch okay?" I swept off without a single glance back. Why was life so difficult? Now Derek was chief he was my boss again. I was back where I started but this time with a three year old daughter. I was so caught up in my own thoughts I nearly dropped my chart when I heard Derek's voice in my ear.

"Listen, I was thinking of maybe celebrating my promotion tonight."

"I can't."

"Give me one good reason why you can't."

"I have a date." Crap. No I don't.

"You have a date?" he laughed. "Really?"

"What's so funny? You don't think other men would find me attractive?"

"Oh believe me, I am _very_ aware of how men look at you." He smiled backing me against the wall, his body pressed into mine; close enough so that our lips were almost touching. I was suddenly very aware of my ragged breathing while images of last night flashed through my head. His smile grew as though he knew exactly what I was thinking. "So," he whispered huskily, "who's the lucky guy?"

"David." I croaked out. He pulled back.

"David Simon's? From Cardio?"

"Yep." He'd asked me out a few times before; I hoped he'd want to go out with me tonight on such late notice.

"You're seriously going on a date with that egocentric jerk?"

"He's not that bad. He likes me and I thought I'd give it a go and see what happens."

"Have fun spending the night talking about how successful and talented he is. You might want to order another bottle of a wine seeing as you can't seem to get through dinner sober lately." He turned to walk of then turned back. "Who would be looking after my daughter while you're out on your date?" he said the last word as though it was a curse word.

"Maybe you would like to spend the night with _our_ daughter."

"Drop her at the trailer after work." He said and walked off.

xXx

"You're actually considering going out with the Cardio jerk?"

"Cristina, he's not a jerk."

"He's been after Burke's job for years. The man thinks he's god."

"So does Burke."

"That's different."

"Oh really? And how so?"

"Because he is." she said matter-of-factly.

"Good to see your being reasonable."

"Someone has to be." She said pointedly.

"I can't back out, I've already organized it."

"That's a weak excuse and you know it."

xXx

I found myself sitting in the most pompous restaurant in Seattle trying note doze off as I 'listened intently' to him rattle on about how amazing he is. "So as I was saying to Richard over dinner last Saturday night, I am the perfect candidate for Chief of Surgery but he ends up giving it to that overly moussed Shepherd, the man is too busy looking in the mirror to be chief. Sometimes I don't know what's going on in Webber's head. I guess it's best he's retiring now."

"Okay first of all, Dr. Webber is as capable now as he was when he first became chief, also Derek Shepherd is the best damn surgeon at Seattle Grace and last but not freaking least you are a boring and pathetic excuse for a surgeon who spends all his time bitching and moaning about his colleagues that are better than him. I am leaving, thank you for the dinner, good night." And I stormed straight out of there.

xXx

"So, how did your date go?" Derek asked me as I arrived at the door to pick up Emma.

"It was great." I avoided, looking for Emma.

"So that's code for 'I had a really crap time but I'm going to try and make Derek jealous because I can't admit I love him and to spend the rest of my life with him?'"

"Wow, you're good." I said as I picked up Emma. "Am I really that transparent?"

"You have no idea." He grinned.

"Goodnight Derek." I smiled as I closed the door and headed home.


	21. odds and ends

"So how did your date go with 'Dr. I-love-myself' last night?" Cristina asked the next morning.

"The restaurant was nice."

"That bad huh?" she laughed.

"You know what? I am setting a new rule; if you're in my kitchen eating my food you cannot judge me. No judging whatsoever."

"Oh Izzie cooks everything."

"That's not the point."

"Whatever," she laughed. "You are so pathetic."

"What did I just say?" I yelled.

"Fine, I'll judge you from the living room then."

"Listen, Derek'll be here any second to take Em to daycare so if you don't mind I'd like you gone before then."

"I'm giving you a lift to work though."

"No you aren't."

"Yes, I am. How else are you supposed to get there, your car's in the shop and George and Izzie are still at the hospital."

"I uh, have a lift with someone else."

"Who? Wait, Derek?"

"Maybe."

"Seriously, if you want to avoid him this is not the way to go about it."

"I'm not avoiding him, I'm just not dating him. There's a difference."

"Sure there is. Let me know how that goes." She said before heading out the door.

"Honey, I'm home!" I heard Derek call from the foyer.

"Cute." I grimaced. "I just have to finish packing Em's bag and then we're off." The sound of little footsteps coming down the stairs turned our attention to Emma.

"Daddy!" she yelled running into his outstretched arms.

"I'll never get tired of hearing that," he laughed as he swung her around. "Hey princess."

"All right baby, time to hop in the car."

"God you're sexy when you're bossy."

"I was talking to her."

"Can daddy sit with me?" Emma asked as he buckled her in.

"Of course he can hun."

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Derek and Emma skipped ahead to the front gate as I locked up the car. "Long time no see."

"Shit!" I jumped. "You should know not to sneak up on me like that Tom." I breathed trying to stop my heart from jumping right out of my chest.

"Who's the guy?" he motioned towards Derek.

"That's Derek." I sighed knowing I couldn't lie but also knowing what this could start.

"Wait, Emma's _father_, Derek?"

"Yup, that's the one."

"That son of a bitch." He breathed storming up to Derek. "Well well, if it isn't the bastard that abandoned his own daughter."

"Excuse me?" Derek asked turning around.

"_Tom"_ I hissed.

"I'm Tom, we haven't officially met but I've heard a lot about you."

"Really? well I've heard a little about you too."

"All good I hope."

"Just along the lines of you not being good enough to earn a second date with Mer."

"_Derek"_

"Oh really"

"Both of you just stop it!" I seethed through gritted teeth. "You're being idiots, in front of the girls no less. I'm going to sign Emma and Jessica in and when I come back you two will have grown up, okay?" They both kept shooting death glares at each other. "Okay?" I yelled again.

"Okay" They both mumbled.

"Men" I huffed as I took the girls inside the centre.

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"You are so immature." I huffed as Derek and I parked the car in the hospital parking lot.

"_I'm_ Immature?" he laughed. "He came up, out of nowhere and started abusing me in front of my daughter. Unprovoked."

"Yes, I know but you didn't have retaliate. You could've been the bigger man and just ignored him."

"Oh trust me, I _am_ the bigger man."

"Its like talking to a 12 year old. Seriously!" I yelled entering the lobby.

"Come on. You know you love it." He grinned.

"Go do some work, Chief." I smiled back.

"Mmm, you're being bossy again. You know what that does to me." I flashed him a cheeky grin before stepping into the lift just before the doors closed.

"Don't trip on the stairs, Chief." I called out.

"Oh you are so pathetic." I turned to see Cristina standing behind me.

"What?"

"You are so into him it's not funny."

"No I'm not"

"Oh, yes you are."

"I am not!"

"You want him bad." She laughed.

"You know what? I don't care what you think."

"Ha, that'll be the day."


	22. white flag

"Have you seen the new trauma attending?" Izzie asked me.

"No, who is it?"

"This big army guy. He served in Iraq. He's all burly and McHunky."

"McHunky?" I laughed.

"Sounds like a bad candy bar. What are you guys talking about?" Cristina had joined us in the locker room.

"The new burly trauma guy."

"Maybe McArmy?" Izzie suggested.

"He trach'd a guy with a pen. It was so hot."

"_Cristina_!"

"What? I'm allowed to get turned on by medicine."

"You're married." I laughed incredulously.

"It's still hot." She shrugged.

"It's pathetic, that's what it is. I'm scrubbing in on your _husband's_ surgery, should I suggest he does it MacGyver style? So you notice _him_?"

"Might spice up my love life."

"_Gross!_" Izzie laughed.

xXx

"So, I hear you're dating again." Burke stated.

"Uh, yeah. Well, kind of."

"How does Derek feel about that?"

"Well he's not thrilled obviously but that doesn't matter because it is _my_ life. I can date whomever I want to. He has no say. He has no right. I mean he got engaged; the least I can do is go on a couple of hot dates. " I noticed several pairs of eyes watching me. "Sorry, I'm rambling."

"He's a good man you know, he cares about you and Emma."

"Since when are you and Derek best buddies?" I asked curiously.

"Oh I don't know, we were friendly before he left."

"Of course you were."

"Is that okay?" he asked cautiously.

"Yes, definitely. That's totally fine. It's just weird." George bust into the O.R, out of breath.

"O'Malley, what the hell do you think you're doing?" Burke asked.

"Meredith, it's Emma."

"_What_?"

"She can't breathe!"

"What do you mean 'can't breathe'?" I cried, dropping the retractor.

"We were at home and all of a sudden she went blue. She's in the pit with Dr. Hunt."

"Oh my God."

"Someone page Shepherd and tell him to go to the pit." Burke ordered. "Meredith, go."

xXx

I rushed into the emergency room and witnessed the scariest moment of my life. Dr. Hunt was inserting a tube in my daughter's throat. She was lying there so vulnerable as doctors swarmed around her.

"What's wrong with her!" I screamed. "Emma, wake up. Wake up, baby! _Please_ wake up." I screamed, hot tears running furiously down my face.

"Can somebody please control her?" Hunt yelled.

"_Emma!_" I tried pushing through everyone to get to her.

"Meredith, it's okay." Alex consoled me, trying to pull me away.

"No it's not okay, let me help my baby."

"Meredith, please calm down. Dr. Hunt is trying to treat her."

"What the hell is going on?" I turned around to see Derek looking wildly around.

"Oh Derek, it's Emma."

"What's wrong? Why has that meatballer stuck a tube in her throat?" he yelled.

"She couldn't breathe, George brought her in, she can't breathe Derek."

"Listen, I am trying to save your daughter's life, so I need you to stand back so I can do my job."

"Oh god. Why is this happening? Why is this _happening_?" I screamed. All of a sudden dots formed in front of my face and everything went black.


End file.
